Survival guide for football widows

Football fan

The World Cup – the bane of wives and girlfriends – is upon us again.

When the tournament comes alive, the attention span dies. These football-crazy men are sort of hypnotised and can absorb or understand nothing else.

I sympathise with the football widows whose loved ones become “zombified”. Here are some tips on how to survive 32 days of ****** (hard to find a word to describe the situation, but “pain” comes to mind).

1.     After asking him eight times if he wants anything to eat and there’s no reply, assume that he’s not hungry. Let him be. He won’t starve to death. Just keep the coffee/beer coming. And keep topping up the groundnuts if that’s what he likes.

2.     If he suddenly jumps up from the sofa and breaks into a monkey dance, it’s okay. Don’t panic. You don’t need to call 999 or any other emergency number. He’s probably celebrating a goal by his favourite team.

3.     It’s the same if he suddenly starts to scream vulgarities or bangs the table. Keep calm. He has not lost it (yet). He must be peeved with something that does not favour his team. Remember, don’t call 999.

Football on television
If your other half suddenly jumps up from the sofa and breaks into a monkey dance, don’t panic.

4.     If the kids keep asking him to take them out for dinner and he doesn’t respond, you do the same – don’t respond. Any reaction on your part may result in a violent tantrum by him – like smashing plates or kicking the pet cat.

5.     He will suffer memory loss. He may not remember who you are, what your name is, that he has a job to look after, or even that those kids are his. Have no fear. It’s just a temporary condition that he will ease out of once the World Cup ends. If you really cannot stand it, move out with the kids to your parents’ place. He’ll come back for you on July 16.

6.     It is, however, not all negative. There will be days he feels his bottom is sinking in too deep into the sofa. That’s when he will meet up with the boys at the mamak or bar to debate and watch the matches there. He will be out for a few hours at least – enough time to clear the hall of groundnut shells, spilled coffee/beer, drink cans, plus do some much needed sweeping and mopping.

7.     Another good thing is there won’t be much laundry to do. He’ll be clad in his team’s jersey most of the time. You will save on water too if he suffers cramps in his legs and can’t walk to the bathroom. Hmmm, maybe not. Then he will need a potty and you will get your hands dirty, so let’s hope for the best.

All the above points, however, could have actually been said in three words – JUST IGNORE HIM!

Good luck and have a great World Cup. I’m off to try out my new Brazil jersey.

Tagged with: