Here’s my Zoom interview with Captain Korang Nak Virus – the leader of the coronavirus army (Malaysian chapter).
They are the ones responsible for the Covid-19 pandemic. I give them full marks for cockiness. We’ll get them soon.
Me: Thank you Captain for agreeing to this interview even though we are bitter enemies.
C: You are welcome. Yes, we may be enemies but we have several similarities.
Me: Like what?
C: Well, for instance, your leaders always brag about having the numbers. We also have the numbers and you humans are so scared of our numbers.
Me: That is politics lah. But to get rid of you, we are working on a vaccine which should be ready in a few months. Aren’t you worried?
C: Me worried? Hahaha, you must be kidding. We are not afraid of dying. When our time comes, we will have to go. Until then, we are having the party of our life, thanks to you two-legged creatures. You are the ones living in fear.
Me: Not all of us. There are quite a number of people who are not afraid. They are really brave and refuse to wear masks as protection. I’m sure you and your army of viruses would have noticed that.
C: Yes, we admire their bravery but we also appreciate their stupidity. They make it so easy for us to infiltrate and attack your kind.
For example, in the US. Have you seen their numbers? Not the political numbers but the infections and fatalities. They definitely are the world leaders they claim to be. And their president …. no comment.
Me: For a tiny invisible virus, you sure are arrogant and boastful. What gives you so much confidence?
C: I already told you we have much in common. There, however, is one big difference – despite our size, our IQ is way higher than the human average of 45.
Me: You, just like some politicians, are plucking numbers from the sky. Okay wise guy, I mean wise virus, let’s talk about Malaysia since you are in charge here. What’s your objective?
C: Need you ask? We want to make as many people as possible sick. It’s not tough. I must thank you greedy humans for helping us by not helping yourselves. The Sabah elections come to mind.
Me: Well, you are right about that. We almost kicked your a** just over a month ago. Unfortunately, the folly of our politicians got you riding high again.
C: But it was chicken feed in Sabah. We are waiting for the biggie. A little bird told me of a looming general election. You people never learn. That’s your downfall.
You are power-crazy but I’m not complaining. In fact, thank you for rolling out the red carpet for us. We don’t need to use the backdoor or anything like that.
Me: We have learned our lesson with the Sabah thing. It won’t be so easy for you next time. Moreover, our Abah has warned us that we will be caned if we let our guard down this time.
C: Caned or canned? You people can’t even spell right most of the time but talk so much about getting rid of us. Try harder.
Me: Hello, can you give me a break? I am the one asking the questions, remember?
C: Okay, what else? Oops, you are asking the questions. Sorry.
Me: Captain, where did you and your like originate from? Some say China but others say Russia or the United States. There’s a big debate about it.
C: There you go again. Humans can’t get their act together. They’d rather point fingers at each other than cooperate and solve problems.
Sabah comes to mind again. It doesn’t matter where it all started. We are achieving our aim because we are united. Not Manchester United. Those clowns need to beef up their defence, just like you Malaysians. I mean health-wise … SOPs and all that, not football. Your football sucks big time.
Me: (telling myself: This Captain needs a kick in the butt) Captain, you and your army work all the time at making our lives difficult. Can’t you just go away at least for a while?
C: Hey, who said we work round the clock? We have shift work though. That’s why your entertainment centres are either closed or they operate for limited hours. They are scared of our night shift viruses who are supposedly extra potent.
But we are unperturbed. Your public transportation is always crowded, so are your malls, restaurants and also look at your schools … so many students all over the place. Easy pickings for us. We don’t need your nightlife crowd but then, the more, the merrier.
Me: I know I brushed you aside just now when you spoke about politics. But it seems you are averse to politicians. That’s why they are so brave to go out although they are under quarantine.
C: Not at all. We dislike politicians as much as you do but we’ll not let them go if they come looking for us. Otherwise how do you explain Donald Trump being infected as were some of your own politicians? And I don’t think you should call them brave. Foolhardy is the word. Or maybe unthinking. Brave? Hahaha!
Me: Okay Captain, I think we are about done. I’m not sure if people will want to continue reading how arrogant and boastful you are. We’ll spare them the agony. Thank you for your time. We’ll get you!
C: How ungrateful! After I spent so much time to layan you, you still want to get me. We’ll get you first, you ingrate Alam!