It’s always a joy to read New Year greetings. They can be inspirational, give hope of better days ahead, or just plain funny to make us smile.
What we don’t want is messages that dampen our mood as we look forward to improving our lives. The following greetings are what we don’t wish to see – ever.
Water authority: “Happy No Air, Selangor! Supply will be back (for three weeks if you are lucky) after we return from our holiday. We want to wish you well but even the well has dried up”.
Jay Kay Arr: “We apologise profusely for not greeting you all these years. To prove our efficiency and sincerity, we also wish you in advance – Happy New Year 2022, 2023 and 2024! We’ll also send you a free calendar showing the most famous potholes in Malaysia. This is to ensure that you avoid these places when you go cycling because we don’t need the extra publicity if you kiss the road”.
Editor’s note: Replace “you” with “the VIPs”
Satellite TV broadcaster: “Thank you for reading the same greeting from us for the past few years. We are sure you will enjoy a repeat of it (again). Happy New Year 2013! We will send this greeting to you at least five more times throughout 2021. Keep subscribing to us for the best deals”.
Low-cost flight operator: “HNY. If you want to see our full greeting, it’s RM5 for the added service. (Fine print: It might be delayed)”.
Pause Laju: I’m still waiting for their greeting to arrive. Nothing in the mailbox so far although they promised it three days ago.
My telco: I called to ask if they had a greeting but I was put on hold for 30 minutes with Auld Lang Syne playing repeatedly in the background. I guess we can say goodbye to their greeting.
If all the above horrors really happened, I guess the consolation would be that nothing has changed, or rather it can’t get any worse.
Politicians also never fail to send out greetings every year. I’m leaving them out because I don’t want to be accused of whacking them all the time.
Moreover, it’s hard to believe a word of what they say, so why waste everybody’s time?
And finally, from me – Happy New Year everyone!