Politicking is now an essential service

After days of deliberation, the Health Ministry has declared that politicking is an essential service and the nonsense will be allowed to resume effective immediately.

Health director-general Datuk Dr Knows His Job said the decision to scrap political distancing was made because of the drastic rise in cabin fever cases as people have been confined to their homes for weeks.

“Politicking – the more extreme the better – will give the rakyat an avenue to keep their minds occupied. The politicians’ antics will help the people get over the cabin fever while awaiting the Movement Control Order (MCO) to end,” Dr Knows said. (Writer’s note: The MCO might not end because politics is more important than the well-being of the people).

Senior Minister Baju al-Rojak said politicians need not apply for a police permit to run down each other. They are also allowed to make unverified accusations and offer “rewards” to get rivals to their side. Before the MCO days, this used to be known as katak melompat. In other words, there will be no roadblocks to their wilful intentions.

“RM2.6 billion has been allocated for Pertikaian Nasional (sic) to go on a massive campaign to ensure it remains in power,” he said.

Baju al-Rojak also said politicians interested in politicking would have to adhere to a standard operating procedure (SOP) which is still being formulated and will be changed at the government’s whim and fancy or whenever someone complains.

Politicians from both sides are allowed to hire up to 5,000 cybertroopers to run their online campaign to discredit each other.

This will provide much-needed income to at least 10,000 people who have been affected badly by the Covid-19 pandemic.

The respective political parties will be responsible for sending these cybertroopers for language proficiency classes because everyone knows they can’t write or even spell for nuts. A VVIP-linked company has been appointed as the sole tuition provider for the cybertroopers. Others are not allowed to offer their services. This is to ensure transparency.

Patahkan Harapan (sic) senior leader and former PM Tun Matahari Mat said the government had been slow in making the announcement on politicking.

“I have, apanama, already been doing it, apanama, politicking for a while now. But they, apanama, cannot take action against me because, apanama, it will show they are unfair, apanama, and trying to ruin my chances of becoming, apanama, PM for a third time,” Tun Matahari said.

“I hope a general election, apanama, is called soon to show, apanama, that the people, apanama, still want me. Even if some of them succumb to Covid-19 during the process, apanama, it’s okay because we all have to, apanama, sacrifice for a better nation,” he said.

 

Opposition Leader Datuk Seri Dongibap bin Tunggu, who expects PM Tan Sri Modern Backdoor to resign after the MCO and hand over the reins to him, welcomed the decision.

Dongibap said he was most qualified to become the next PM and had been travelling the length and breadth of the country to explain to the people why he would be the best PM ever.

In an immediate reaction, PM Modern said “Jika Saudara Dongibap masih bergerak kesana kesini, kesana kesini, dia boleh di penjarakan sebab melanggar undang-undang PKP” (translation not available).

Social media users are already crying foul after pictures and video clips of Dongibap meeting the people and having meals with them went viral.

They want him to be arrested and charged just like the man in the street.

To this, Baju al-Rojak said nobody is above the law and Dongibap will face the full brunt of the law, especially since he is an Opposition politician.

“If it was a politician from our own party or their children, they would get some leniency by using the promo code BintiAmatPahit800,” he said.

Limbo Ing, the secretary-general of a component party in Patahkan, said it was obvious this was an attempt to distract the people from the Covid-19 issue which was getting worse although the daily figures were getting better.

“This illegitimate, rejected, unacceptable, undeserving, unwanted backdoor government must come clean and explain why it allowed politicking for everyone when only my party deserves that privilege,” he said.

In a related development, two new political clusters have been discovered – one within Pertikaian and the other within Patahkan. It’s too late to contain them and the hate-mongering and backstabbing are expected to spread like wildfire.

Meanwhile, a random survey of three people showed that 98.3 per cent of Malaysians don’t care about political satire. They are more interested in the real bull****.

Even the Social Media All-Round Terrors Always Looking Extremely Clever (SMART ALEC) have started giving their expert views. Read all about it on Facebook and Twitter.

· Once again, this is satire.

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