SOP questions and errr… answers

Since politicians think the standard operating procedures (SOPs) during this Covid-19 pandemic are a joke, Twentytwo13 senior copy editor Purwaiz Alam joins in to have some fun.

Here are some questions and answers regarding the SOPs.

Q: Nobody can see me smile. I look unfriendly when I wear my face mask. How am I supposed to socialise and make new friends?

A: Use a marker pen or lipstick and draw as wide a smile as you want on your mask before wearing it. People will want to know why you look funny. It’s a guaranteed ice-breaker.

Q: Forcing me to wear a face mask infringes on my human rights. How can they do this?

A: You are mistaken. You can choose not to wear a face mask, just that it would have to be either at home or in jail.

Q: What action can be taken against me if I refuse to follow the SOPs?

A: If you are an ordinary Joe or Jane, then you are too brave (or dumb) for your own good. You will be fined and jailed. But worse still, you will be abused and humiliated repeatedly on social media, especially Facebook, by netizens who have never done any wrong in their lives.

Q: How come politicians can get away with it?

A: Politicians are not ordinary Joes or Janes. They are gifted people who sacrifice so much for the country by causing a ruckus in Parliament. They are thus an entitled lot. Politicians are also superior beings who are immune to all viruses, diseases and other ailments. They never fall sick but they often make the people sick.

Q: Why do I have to register everywhere I go? The MySejahtera app is a hassle. It’s an infringement of my privacy. Is this another way for the government to spy on me?

A: Hello, don’t be so perasan. Is your name Bond, James Bond? If you are not a spy or you are not planning to rob a bank, why worry? The government is too engrossed in other petty stuff to be interested in your whereabouts, especially if you are just having air suam at a restaurant or buying Super Ring snacks from Speedmart. And what privacy are you talking about? Google is already a few steps ahead of the government. It even knows you are reading this article while on the toilet seat.

Q: I fully agree with wearing face masks. I have a double chin and the mask helps me to cover that flaw when I pull it down below my mouth. But why do I get stares from other people even though I support the mask ruling?

A: The virus doesn’t care if you have a double chin or are just low on grey matter. It lies in wait for the easy victims like you. You can cover your double chin by donning the mask properly. You will still look good, so chin up now.

Q: I just returned from overseas and they have put me under 14-day quarantine in a hotel room. I have a pink wristband. I hate it because it makes me look feminine. What can I do?

A: You can’t do anything. Stay put in the room until the 14 days are up. But if you prefer a pair of handcuffs around those wrists, then yes, that would make you look more masculine.

Q: Then how come a certain minister did not wear the wristband?

A: As mentioned earlier, politicians are untouchable. End of story.

Q: I took my family out to the mall. What was supposed to be a great night was spoilt when my 87-year-old mother started to have breathing difficulties after two hours. The mask is a health hazard. Why do they make it so difficult for us?

A: You are a wonderful person who loves his family so much. It’s heart-warming to know that you want to expose your aged mother to the unknown. You are a filial son. Next time go to the mall just before closing time so you don’t have to spend too many hours there. Your mum will also be happier.

Q: I try to maintain a one-metre distance from others when in public places. But some people are just not bothered. They come too close for comfort. What can I do?

A: Eat more onions before going out. When these apathetic people get close, “bomb” them. They will automatically observe distancing rules after that. A better alternative is to just scream your head off at these people. You will get thrown out of the mall and everyone will be a distance away from you.

Q: They took my temperature seven times at the mall yesterday because the reading was stuck at 37.9 degrees. Finally, they let me in when I insisted I didn’t have a fever. My question is: Why didn’t they let me in after the second or third try? So much time was wasted.

A: Yes, how could the mall do such a thing? So irresponsible! Maybe, the thermometer was faulty like it is in many places. Please isolate yourself immediately and report to the authorities. They will come and get you. This is not an attempt to frighten you but you might have Covid-19. Good luck.

While humour helps during tough times, it is vital that the SOPs are adhered to by everyone, including politicians.

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