Twentytwo13

Managing expectations when dealing with demanding parents

Several of my clients are still suffering from wanting to set healthy boundaries with their parents, but feel guilty to do so.

We are talking about parents who are unavailable, abusive, emotionally demanding, narcissistic, immature, and dysfunctional.

“What if they pass away and I regret it?” “But I feel bad…” “What if I regret it?”

Despite being hurt continuously, many of my clients still struggle to set boundaries with their parents who are toxic, controlling, and determined to be involved in my clients’ lives.

After many sessions, sometimes one phone call can still trigger my clients, and they still feel relatively defenceless from their parents’ relentless demands for their attention.

Their parents demand my clients to be available and devote their time to them without considering my clients’ needs. Most of the time, my clients feel responsible.

“I know I don’t have to, but I still feel bad that I have to be there for them.”

Many of us know the need to set healthy boundaries. But what stops us? What are the fearful thoughts that hold us back?

Some of the reasons could be the fear of societal judgment, the deeply ingrained sense of responsibility, the need to compensate on behalf of siblings who abandon their parents, and the fear of regret.

“It’s hard to see my mum sad.” “No one will do it, if not me.”

And then, there are these emotionally blackmailing threats: “I work so hard for you guys!”, “I’m doing this for your own good!”, “After all I’ve done for you…”, and “I’m getting old, how much time do I have left?”

Sometimes, in sessions, my clients understand the rationale, and that they are not obligated to do so. But deep down inside, there is a little boy or a little girl that vowed to make their parents happy.

When they were young, the minute their parents were upset, they tried their very best to be good or funny, in order to distract, or make their parents happy, or rescue them from their pain.

This became a pattern of enmeshment. A learned sense of responsibility to care for their parents. This fear of causing pain or disappointment to their parents trapped them in a cycle of self-sacrifice and neglect of their own happiness and self.

But as we dig deeper, are all these facts and fears true? Who is supposed to take care of who? Who is supposed to make who happy? Do children take care of parents’ needs? Or is it the parents? Whose job is that? Parent or child?

It is the parents’ job or responsibility, not the other way round. We need to let go of our idealistic image of nurturing parents.

We can keep hoping and asking them to be the parent we desire/want. But in the end, it will lead one to constant hurt and disappointment. It’s then best to accept parents for who they are, and to not get disappointed anymore, as one will no longer have expectations.

Start to fill up the vacuum your parents have left within you by ‘re-parenting’ yourself, by giving yourself affirmation, acknowledgment, and assurance.

As you do so, you will become happier, and your relationship with your parents may improve.

Faith Foo is the founder, and director of Abri Integrated Mental Health.

The views expressed here are the personal opinion of the writer and do not necessarily represent that of Twentytwo13.